It's all bullshit!
Howdy fuckin' doodily folks we're back from our self imposed hiatus (we all have lives that need seeing to afterall) with a whip cracking roundup of this year's E3 announcements! Now if you give even the slightest of dammn's about gaming news you'll already know what I'm about to shart out, but that's not why you're here is it? No, you're here to get the opinions of a madman perched on the arse end of NZ! Either that or you hit the wrong link.
So lets quit screwing around and get to it!
It's always a good idea to start with your weakest offer, that way the other options always look more palatable, and you can't get any weaker than the colossal sods at Electronic Arts. Two new games from the bumbling giant this year (the rest were carbon copy sequels that bring nothing new to the table) A Way Out, and Anthem. A Way Out is a co-op action game about two brothers on a prison break, not too much was shown in the trailer but it was enough to make me sit up and pay attention. Puzzles and the narrative are built around stealth and cooperation, and it'll be genuinely interesting to see how they nurture competitiveness between players without ruining the games sneaky sense of guile. At the very least it reminded me of Clandestine which is always welcome. The other game that was briefly shown (and I fucking stress briefly here) was Bioware's Anthem, a game where you don power-armor and go scavenging. I can't tell you much more than that because the preview was so fucking short, and likely pushed out to make up the ground they lost after their Mass Effect fuckup. All and all a pretty tame offering from America's most hated company, as I said all we really got was two new games and a Battlefield expansion, Oh they also wheeled out this fucking specimin for some undiscernable reason!
There's a new Xbox, whoopdy fucking fuck! I wouldn't be so bitter if they didn't go jacking off all the time about it's "power" (which is about as nippy as a low-end gaming PC) seeing as the other companies seem to be doing just fine without it...
A stronger showing from the lawyers in Maryland this year with two big items and lots of tasty tidbits inbetween. The prime cuts were an Evil Within sequel, and a new Wolfenstein which seems to have made one hell of a tonal shift since we last left BJ and company. Wolfenstien II: The New Colossus is a direct sequel to the fantastic Wolfenstein: The New Order, that sees Blazkowicz spearheading a revolution in Nazi-occupied America. Long gone are the subtle melancholy tones from the last entry, as WTNC has cranked up the camp to nearly nuclear levels and giving us what looks like a Philip K. Dick novel channeling Fallout. The Evil Within II's trailer was a bit more... subtle, namely because it didn't tell us a fucking thing! I'll be honest I hated the first game the pacing was a mess, the levels were cramped, and the plot was a goddamn cure for insomnia! Shinji Mikami was obviously trying to ape Resident Evil 4 but forgot all the little elements that turn a 'so bad it's bad' story into a 'so bad it's good one'. Also, Fallout 4 and Doom(4) are getting VR releases, which is a curious effort from a company who've done their damndest to shit on this emerging tech.
As far as I'm concerned Devolver have fucking won, they rehearsed, schemed, and bought a fucking time slot at E3 just so they could take a heaping great shit all over gaming's #1 self-indulgent wankfest. I don't wanna spoil anything so fucking hop-to-it and give it a watch, you won't regret it!
That's all for today, but be sure to come back tomorrow for Sony, Nintendo, and the French-EA's circlejerks!